ten ways to kill your darlings
by Phantomphaeton
Summary: On love and attempted murder.


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_1_

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Fishlegs likes to eat his mutton chops by the fireplace. Ruffnut has never attempted to understand this. No one has. They just go with it. It's confusing, but it's convenient to know because his plate is always waiting for him by the fire. He picks it up and tucks in slowly. He takes his time with mutton. Ruffnut sits by Tuffnut and watches him savor each bite, unaware that the usual herb that flavors his meat has been replaced with Samba leaves from the marshlands down south.

"You think that we'll be able to clear the rubble before the ice sets in?" Hiccup asks Astrid.

She shrugs. "The dragons should be helpful. Skullcrusher could pitch in if your dad can spare him."

"I'll ask him. Fishlegs…are you okay?"

Ruffnut smiles, looking to the fireplace. Fishlegs is on his knees, coughing his lungs up. Hiccup and Astrid hurry towards him. Gobber already has him on his side, sticking his hand down his throat.

"Breathe, boy, breathe!" Gobber says, clapping his back.

Pause. A gasp of air. They back away, pulling him to his feet.

"That was close," Fishlegs says, clearing his throat.

"Smaller bites, Fishlegs," Astrid says, ruffling his hair and sighing with relief.

Ruffnut blows a stray lock out of her face disappointedly.

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_2_

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Snotlout likes to ambush her in the mornings on her way out, when Tuffnut isn't there to laugh at him and Barf and Belch aren't around to blow him up.

"Good morning, princess! Lovely day we're having! Not as lovely as you, but still—"

Ruffnut runs around the corner, holding her axe steady. She waits until his footsteps are closer than ever. She swings, feeling the satisfying '_clunk_' of a face.

"Ow! Thor Almighty, what was that for?"

"Whoa! You okay, Gobber?"

Ruffnut freezes. She turns her head slightly around the corner. Gobber and the hundred swords he was carrying are on the ground. His nose is bleeding. Badly. Snotlout is on his knees beside him.

"Don't look, baby!" he tells her. "It's graphic! I'll take care of it!"

She runs for her life.

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_3_

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The twins have a fixed schedule for feeding Barf and Belch. Ruffnut rather likes feeding them. She likes to teach them all kinds of tricks. She especially loves helping them improve their aim.

"The big fat one is worth ten points," she says, dangling a big, juicy fish before their eyes. "The short beefy one is worth fifty because he's got a protective layer of self-importance and stupidity. Bonus points if you can get them both."

They set half the stables on fire, then look at her eagerly awaiting their reward. She throws the fish over her shoulder. They chase it excitedly. Snotlout spots her watching from above.

"Hey, baby! I can feed them for you if you want!"

Fishlegs pushes him aside. "I'll feed them. You can go relax by the water!"

She walks away.

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_4_

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"I'm gonna draw you now," she tells Snotlout.

"Here?" he asks. "It's kinda rocky, don't you think?"

"It's perfect," she said. "Strike a pose, now. Give me that manly-man smile I love so much."

He grins at her as she holds up the paper. She pauses.

"Hang on," she says. "I forgot my charcoal pen. Don't move! Hold that pose. I'll be back in a flash!"

He is still as a statue as she hurries up the steep plane to the higher ground. A huge boulder sits waiting by the edge of the cliff. She picks up the branch she left there earlier, sticking it beneath the boulder and prying it loose.

"Come on," she grunts. "Come _on_…_budge_…ha!"

The boulder tumbles over the edge, hitting the rocks below with an almighty _crash_.

She spins in a full circle before a hand slides into hers.

"That was close!" he says. "Up for a dance?"

She glares at the world as he lifts her into the air and spins her around.

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_5_

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"You know, fishing never really works out well for the bait," Fishlegs tells her.

"Don't think of yourself as bait," Ruffnut says as she rubs his arms in fish oil. "Think of yourself as…a lure. Everything works out great for lures."

"Right. Yeah. Lures."

"That's the spirit! Now turn up that charm you always slay me with!"

And she plants her head on her helmet to keep it from falling off as she runs the heck out of there.

She sits patiently behind the sharp jutting rock and watches Fishlegs tremble before the huge black cave.

"Uh…hello, evil dragon/behemoth hybrid. I come in peace bearing fish and…stuff."

A low growl echoes from within. Ruffnut smiles and walks back to the village.

"Where's Fishlegs?" Astrid asks. "Wasn't he with you?"

"Nope," Ruffnut says with a dazed smile on her face because now exactly one half of the reason she hates being alive is now gone from the world.

"Here I am," says his voice somewhere behind her.

She hates being alive.

"Why are you covered in fish oil?"

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_6_

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"So you should come ride with me sometime. Not on Barf. With me. You know. Just the two of us, the moonlight. It'll be awesome. I've added a gear so you can ride sidesaddle."

Ruffnut can feel his body heat. He's so close to her back she wonders how they're not touching as he follows her every step and turn. She picks up the axe again. No one's around to mess it up this time. She clubs him on the head. He staggers back.

"Baby—"

She drags him out to the side of the house, kicking him into the little hole Tuffnut had dug that morning for Barf and Belch to take dumps in. She is pleased to see that it has clearly been employed for its due purpose before she starts to fill it with dirt.

Half an hour later, she pats the neatly filled hole with her shovel and goes back inside.

Three hours later, Snotlout is walking home covered in dirt and dragon dung and she has half a mind to bury herself next time.

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_7_

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"Hey, Ruffnut! Look, no hands!"

She turns her head away pointedly. Fishlegs swoops down in front of her where she cannot possibly avoid seeing him. She gives him a good swift kick. He falls off the side of his precious Meatlug and tumbles through the air for a moment. Tuffnut just cocks a brow. Toothless rises from below them, and Ruffnut watches, completely crestfallen, as Hiccup helps Fishlegs back onto his dragon.

"Be careful, Fish," he tells him.

She cradles her head in her hands and tries her best to fall asleep.

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_8_

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She waits until Snotlout is standing in the middle of the room before she throws her axe at the chain holding up the chandelier. She closes her eyes and ears to block out the huge crash as it hits the ground.

"What on earth—Snotlout, get up!"

Gobber pulls Snotlout to his feet. "Whoa. That was so close!"

"That chain's brand new," Gobber said, and Ruffnut has to duck away so he won't see her. "Should've held until next year."

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Snotlout says, waving off the hands reaching for him. "Man, life is short. I gotta go find my princess."

He runs out the door, calling her name. She bangs her head on the railing repeatedly.

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_9_

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The perfect booby trap takes hours to set up. And she willingly sacrifices hours to set up the pendulum that will render Fishlegs forever childless the moment he steps through the door. She hides behind the table and waits.

The door opens.

"Ruffnut, have you seen my bracers?" Hiccup asks.

"No, wait!" she shrieks, hurrying forward.

The good news is that Hiccup is shorter than Fishlegs, so he's likely to be vomiting his innards instead of the alternative injury. Ruffnut is starting to wish someone would just set up a pendulum for her head.

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_10_

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"Pearly clams?" Snotlout repeats, his eyes darting all over the area. "Why do you want those?"

"If you crush the shells, they make the nicest shade of purple. I use it to dye my clothe."

"Didn't you already dye your clothe last week?" he asks as Fishlegs picks up a random shell.

"Is this what you're looking for?" he asks.

"More like this," she says, holding up a shiny shell. "And yes, I dyed my clothe last week, but this purple is special. I always imagined using it on something really important…like maybe my wedding or something."

Silence.

"I'll get you all the pearly clams you want," Snotlout says quickly. Fishlegs takes the shell from her hands and starts inspecting the ground.

"They're a lot easier to find at night," she tells them. "Just stay here until it's really dark. See ya later."

She hurries up to the low cliff to get the best vantage point. She sits down on the rock, crosses her legs, and laughs as the waves get bigger and bigger.

Late under the moonlight, she watches the high tide approach. Her smile is so wide her lips can't close as the wave hits the shore. She gets to her feet and dusts off her hands.

"You're tired? It's okay, I can carry them for you."

She turns around. Soaking wet and arms laden with shiny shells.

"Now you can dye a hundred wedding dresses," Fishlegs says.

She blinks at them both, turns around, and jumps into the water.

-_end_-


End file.
